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Posted on 2010 at 20

I am very tired with and dissapointed of this endeavour. It is not clear where we are going, what do we want. i feel like we are trying to cover a lot of things and in the end we don't cover anything. I don't know if we will be Real Estate lawyers, or civil lawyers or brokers or teachers or whatever.

Since the begining I felt there was something wrong with this, something that was not right. It was more than evident. In the first place it was her willingness to keep on working at 100% for our former employer, when it was evident that we were...

Geesh! I did not remember writing this! LJ asked me if I wwanted to recover my latest draft and this showed up. I venture it must be like three moths old, at least. Because in the latest three months things have changed enormously.

Gab is no longer working at Gutsa, nor is she working for Gutsa. Fortunately, she realized they were being abusive and that they were atill abusing her. It took a lot for her to realize and the experience was a very bitter one for her. Not for me. I already knew what kind of people they are. Things have been easier ever since she stopped working for them.

Then there's the Hemisphucks (i would link them, but they will surely find my blog and I do not want those imbeciles to find this place...yet). They spoiled a really good deal Gab wanted to do with them. Again, I did not agree on negotiating with them. I think they are not reliable, that they want to take advantage of everybody and that they are just a bunch inept people with some luck. I refuse to base a deal on luck alone. Besides, I know they have a lot of problems, and if they a¡do not have them right now, they will. Their tax situation is precarious and it would take a minor audit to make it fall apart. I do not want to be associated with such people. Anyhow, no matter my objections, Gab was adamant on making the deal with them. I conceded on letting them have a small part... but the uneasyness about it all remained.

Fortunately, they spoiled everything in a meeting. Gab could see for herself how stupid they are, how conceited and how incompetent they can get. Just so i don't forget, I will only say that they told our contact with very important people in National Security that they were not complying with a contract with the Ministry of State (also related to National Security) and that Stephane could go to jail because of that!!!!! Can you believe it? The only thing missing was sending an e-mail saying "Oh, do not hire us, we're too fool to this right".

So, another thing I was right in. It really doesn't make me happy. I wish I had more of a second sight for good things, instead of being like a predictor of disasters. 

But not everything is bad. As I said before, everything is easier and smoother now. I think we can make a lot of progress now.

As for me, well... I'm trapped in the past and enjoying it awufully. It's been eight Saturday nights in a row that I stay awake past midnight. I call it "Spear the heart of the night". I watch movies and videos on my net book (LaRoux). I look for information and songs and videos of the Poet, something I had not done in ages. I am trying to write once again, loike before. But it is not like before. Different things inspire me now. Words are different. I am trying to write again in spanish. It is hardeer than I thought. It is specially harder to remember how natural and easy everything was before, how effortless. And now I feel stagnant, forced... But I keep trying. 

I look at him and find myself wondering how his life might be now. I regard him now as an old friend whom I barely understand, but  no matter what, I do not wish to end our friendship. 

I also try to imagine the rest of the Tzingane story, give it some coherence and ebentually, give it an end. In fact, I already have an end to it. It was difficult to do that, befcause everything was so perfect in the story that it would have been madness to put an end to it. My new ending is that we stopped dating regularly after spring break because school got too hectic and we could not meet at my home because my dad moved his office to our ballroom. He agreed on a short break. We had planned it would last only till I graduated from highschool. Then I would start the pre-college courses, but that would be easy. And then college which everyone promised would be a bed of roses after Maddox. 

Oh, but we know how everything turned out. College was INFINITELY more difficult than I had planned and the pre-college courses were torture to me. I asked him to give me more time... and we ended up having lunch in early october, after my first exams had passed and I had overcome the terror of maybe not being able to stay in college, let alone keep the scholarship. We had stopped seeing each other in May, we reunited six months later to part ways. It was all very friendly. He wished me luck and told me to relax. He believed in me. He was sure he would see me again in no time, when I felt comfortable with my new life. I doubted myself, but he did not doubt my capacity to do well at school. He was right. I did well in my first semester and I was considering calling him again, but then I fell in love with ADC and he was discarded from my life forever. 

I'm having a very good time, I can't deny it. Though remembering something which I was so sure was gone forevcer feels... disquieting. 

Oh, and today I knew of another thing in which I was right. Our friend got obssessed with The Girl and is behaving like a complete asshole. I always knew he was not a very good bloke, but I gave him the benefit of doubt. Well, he misunderstood the mesage. But The Girl should have known what kind of bloke he was... shouldn't she?  I do not know anymore. I have a gift, that's for sure. But sometimes I assume other people can see what I see.

This Saturday will be my ninth night. The ninth wave, the last one before drowning. I'm making the ritual of Lilith. This Saturday i will finish the first quarter.


qiheming at 2011-04-14 13:36 (UTC) (Feux! )
Great post! I want to see a follow up to this topic

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